New Chapters of My Life

Sometimes can't an ending in your life just be the beginning to something new. It is true when you really think about it anytime a part ends it has to start with a new chapter. Sometimes it has to be easier to close a chapter of your life and start afresh. Possibly start somewhere that is new and different. Sometimes in life we go in these constant circles and don't actually go anywhere. We just do the same old thing that we have been doing for years. Say it is getting up, getting dressed, go to work, come home, cook food, watch tv, and then go to bed. We don't even realize how boring our lives are until we step back and really examine it. You know I think it is time for a new chapter in my life. I really have been pondering this for a long time. For instance, I just graduated from university, but I decided to take a hiatus from school to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I have finally found some perspective. Some people may say that taking time off is crazy. "You are wasting so much time", but I think it is great for me. I am really getting to know myself and see that it is not a waist. I knew that one chapter of my life was closing, but I didn't know exactly where the next chapter would begin. But I realized that this chapter showed me that I don't have to do the same mundane things in my life. I know that I can expand my horizons. I don't want to be in a rut for the rest of my life. I want to be able to be an intelligent, independent woman. I want to be able to be my own person and outstretch myself for the future.

Can you really say it was a MISTAKE?

Have you ever wondered why we do some of the things that we do? Sometimes it doesn't make sense about the choices that we make. However, we have to deal with those choices regardless of how bad they are. I will say this that sometimes we do things that we regret. Or in some cases, we do bad things that we cannot ever regret. We may think that our decision was stupid, but regret means that we wished that we hadn't done it. But maybe being a selfish person, we say we regret things that we really would never take back in a million years. Regardless of your situation, we all do things that we should not have ever done. I guess that is life and that is part of growing up. We have to make mistakes to learn. But can you really say that something you don't regret was ever really a mistake. I guess not. It would not make sense to say HEY I made a mistake. I don't regret my decisions, but I have learned from my decisions as well. Sometimes I think that maybe if I do something it will change me for the better, but I keep making decisions that seem stupid to others. However, I can't change the person that I am. I have never been the type of person to follow in the cookie-cutter footsteps. I think that makes me a better person, but I do things that others don't think are good for me. But I guess that is just me. I hope that one day I can look back on my past decisions and still not regret them, because I don't want to be an old person one day and regret my decisions. I want to be able to say that I learned from what I have done. I don't ever want to regret this part of my life. I want to be able to say I have lived and learned through "JUST TRYING TO BE ME."

Honesty: Is it that hard?

Why when people are faced with a question they don't like they say "I don't know"? Is it just easier than facing the facts? Is it just easier than saying what is on their mind?

Recently I have had someone in my life that their answer to everything is "I don't know". I just hurts because they can't be honest with me. How hard is it to look someone in the eyes and say how they feel. You know sometimes it would make life easier to just get your feelings out into the open. Why bottle up everything, because that just hurts the situation. Be honest. How hard is honesty. Yes, it may hurt some at first, but at the same time, honesty clears up alot of misconceptions in any relationship whether friend, significant other, or family. It would make life much easier to get the feelings out there regardless of the ups and downs at the time because facing problems when they first happen helps to create less stress later on in a relationship. Get through the rough patches at the time instead of dealing with it 5 years down the road. How hard is that to understand seriously. Anyways sometimes you cannot let your pride get in the way of dealing with issues. Understand that for a relationship to survive, you have to have understanding and honesty. Without the two, your relationship regarless is set to fail from the beginning. Both people in any relationship need to understand that they need to open up and not shut each other. Sometimes I wished people could understand the thought behind that, but it rarely actually happens.

Insurance: HELP or FOE

I am a full-time student, so of course, I have a car. Like every other driver, you have to have that expensive insurance. My insurance company was telling me that once I had my license for 5 years that my insurance premium would be reduced. WAS THAT A JOKE. They jacked up my insurance to over 1200 dollars a month. R U FREAKING KIDDING ME. THAT IS BS right there. Anyways, I decided that I would shop around for car insurance this time. Can you believe this I decided to go to GEICO and see what they would charge me. So, I pulled out my old policy on my car. I went to GEICO and put in all my information. Well, you would not believe that for my policy that includes me, my mom, and our 2 cars was going to be reduced down to under $400, so basically that is a 800 dollar decrease. SO YOU MEAN GMAC who I had my insurance through couldn't have done that. NO, they are out for the big man to help themselves. Hey, let's over price insurance to get some extra cash. THEY SURE AS HELL ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE MONEY FROM ME. That is BS. So, I will say that GEICO is definitely my life saver. I can actually afford my car insurance. THANK GOD, because I didn't know how I was going to afford my insurance at all. GEICO YOU ARE MY HERO.

What Would Marilyn Do

Don't tell me if i'm dying

You know sometimes you just have days when nothing goes right. You feel like the world is against you at all odds. Yes, I know I probably sound like the most pessimistic person ever. I just wonder why everytime I feel like I get a break something worse just happens right afterward. Sometimes I think that I have it altogether, but the next moment my world begins to crash around me. I have never quite understood why this keeps happening. Is it that I live in a world that is just that awful? Or do I make it that way? Sometimes I think that some people myself included just find reasons to be unhappy. It is so much easier to have something to complain about than to just be happy with life. It is hard to actually say this out loud. Why can't I make it easier? Why do I always take the hard way? I don't settle for the things that would make me the happiest. I am constantly running towards the things that make me feel the worse. Sometimes I just cry out that I don't know what to do with my life. I just hurt. I constantly do things that I regret even when I know better. I regret afterwards, but I guess feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all.

Another issue I have is that why do some of the worst things for you always feel so great in the moment. However later on, I think what the HELL was I thinking. I don't know why I keep doing these things to myself. Why can't I just be happy. Why do I always do the things that hurt me the most. Yes, I feel happy for a moment, but after that moment is gone, I feel so broken inside. I hurt. I cry. I am in so much pain. WHY, WHY? I wonder this all the time. Why do I follow my heart down pathways that are just full of pain and confusion. Why can't I lead myself down a path that will make me happy. For in the end, the life that I am leading right now is just one that will end up in me hating myself. How can someone hate themself? Why can't they just be happy with the blessings they have? I wonder why sometimes I just don't let myself be happy. Pain, Pain. I just roll in it every single day. I constantly put myself in situations that will eventually lead to my destruction. I need to become a better person. I just need to come out of this phase with my head held high and not worry about what people think of me. I need to be a better person. Just somedays, it can be so hard. Sometimes I just feel like my life is a dream. How can I be so stupid to do the things that I do? I just feel like the name God gave me is not even characteristic of me anymore. I am such a different person than I was even a year ago. I really need to see the sunlight once more. I need to be brought out of this darkness. I want to be out of this dark phase that I am in. I just hope that one day I will be strong again. I WANT to be INDEPENDENT like I once was. So, don't tell me if I'm dying, because I will come out of this a better and stronger person.

Here is a video that is dedicated to the title of this blog entry.

What happens when you want something that you can never have?

Have you ever noticed that you are always the person that never gets what they want? You always show up a little to late in the picture to be able to get the prize. I sure know I have. It seems like everytime I find something or someone that I truly want. It always seems that they have started dating someone else or the something that I desire is already gone. Why is life like that? I have never understood why. I just think that some of us will always have that short end of the stick. I hate the way you think for once I am going to get this job promotion or this really hot date and then BAM what happens you just don't get it. How is this possible. I hate it. How can everything that a person want in life seem to slip through their grasp. How is it that some people seem to always get what they want when they want it. For us unfortunate people, we have to scrape by and try not to be so selective, because whenever we get picky, we basically get a slap in the face with a reality check. Yep, some of you just like me have to know how this feels.

For example, I have this friend that has been seeing this guy for a few months now. She has known him for several years and of course, what do women do, she fell for him. Oh, but the catch is that he is a little unattached from his other girlfriend that he has been seeing for the last few years. Well, the issue here is that he cannot breakup with his girlfriend of 3 years, because his family has planned for them to get married and he feels that he has to stay with her out of obligation. My friend's boyfriend has never been quote on quote madly in love with this girl that he is being forced to marry, but he still has to marry her because of his family. My friend is so depressed that she has no idea what to do. Of course, the first guy that she ever falls in love with and the first guy that she lost her virginity with is attached to someone else. How does this happen? I wonder why she did this to herself. BUT I do understand that you can't always help who you fall in love with. I just hope that their situation will work itself out.

It is situations like that one that are just so hard to watch. How can life be so hard? It is just painful to have something that you cherish so much, but then later on, it gets pulled away from you like it was never yours really to begin with. Maybe one day, we will all get a little satisfaction and be able to take what we want, but until then, I will just try to keep being me.